The evil Church of Scientology is being attacked by an anonymous group of Internet hackers who are known simply as "Anonymous". They have released secret Scientology documents to the public and they've also hired Stephen Hawking to threaten them in a video.

The gloves are off and Anonymous has delivered a quick one-two punch while Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Xenu Himself haven't even had time to get off their stools, or couch in Tom Cruise's case. For the first time in years, the Church of Scientology is on the defensive and is facing an unknown enemy.

In the past, Xenu was able to strike down his German enemies but not even Xenu knows who these anonymous people are or if they're within striking distance*. Harry Nads HeadQuarters dispatched our religious/cult expert, Juventud Guerrera, to a secluded region in Los Angeles where he was able to locate a member of the Church of Scientology. This person agreed to be interviewed but refused to identify himself for security purposes. Here is the transcript of the interview:

Juventud Guerrera: Thanks for meeting with me, let's cut to the chase.

Unknown Scientologist: I hate that term... cut to the chase.

Juventud Guerrera: Me too but we're in Hollywood and the rules state that I must use that phrase at least twice a day. Anyway, what does your Church plan to do about these aggressive attacks against your people?

Unknown Scientologist: We will eliminate all of them.

Juventud Guerrera: Isn't that a bit extreme?

Unknown Scientologist: No. They are SP's (suppressive people) and LRH (L. Ron Hubbard) clearly stated that these people should be destroyed.

Juventud Guerrera: How do you intend to locate this anonymous group?

Unknown Scientologist: It's simple. We will create a fake TOR node and capture the IP addresses of all these anonymous people.

Juventud Guerrera: Are you telling me that you've somehow linked The Onion Router (TOR) to this anonymous group?

Unknown Scientologist: This group is anonymous and each and every person who uses TOR is anonymous, therefore TOR users and the people in the group called Anonymous are the same people.

Juventud Guerrera: Interesting logic. But...

Unknown Scientologist: I know, I know. You're going to say it doesn't make sense but that's only because you're not a Scientologist and you don't understand the mind the way we do.

Juventud Guerrera: Is that right?

Unknown Scientologist: Yes. This group thinks that they have the upper hand because they are more tech savvy than we are but they have failed to take into consideration the fact that they only know how to use and manipulate the Internet, but they don't understand the Internet's mind the way we do.

Juventud Guerrera: The Internet's mind? Are you referring to Al Gore?

Unknown Scientologist: No. Scientologists are the masters of the mind. Whether it's the human mind, the robotic mind or the Internet's mind, we know everything there is to know.

Juventud Guerrera: Let's move on to another issue. Anonymous released secret documents that your Church uses in Scientology courses.

Unknown Scientologist: That's right. Each and every person who downloaded those files owes the Church of Scientology $7,390,005.99 and before we destroy these people we will sue them.

Juventud Guerrera: I see. These developments must have been difficult to deal with. How is Tom Cruise coping?

Unknown Scientologist: He's a wreck. We can't get him to stop jumping around on couches and tables. He finally settled down after we gave him some ritalin.

Juventud Guerrera: Ritalin? Scientologists are against drugs such as Ritalin, how do you explain one of your members taking it?

Unknown Scientologist: Once again you simply don't understand because you are not able to understand. If you were a Scientologist you would understand.

Juventud Guerrera: That's not an explanation.

Unknown Scientologist: Yes it is.

Juventud Guerrera: I don't understand.

Unknown Scientologist: I know.

Juventud Guerrera: Will you at least admit that going after all anonymous people on the Internet is irrational?

Unknown Scientologist: No. And it's not just anonymous people on the Internet. We will seek out everyone who attempts to be anonymous.

Juventud Guerrera: Doesn't that also include you? You have refused to disclose your name so that you can conduct this interview anonymously.

Unknown Scientologist: Yes that includes me.

Juventud Guerrera: So, will you attempt to destroy yourself along with the other anonymous enemies of your Church.

Unknown Scientologist: If need be, yes I will. This is what Scientology is all about.

Juventud Guerrera: Thank you for your time.

*Even the great Xenu has his limitations. According to conservapedia, Xenu is only able to deliver a death blow if his target is within 250 miles away from him. Xenu is able to travel 1000 miles/hour and is limited to lobbing 300 lighting bolts a day.

Related Links:
Xenu Attacks Ze Germans