Farts (AKA flatulence, the bad gas, odious excretion from the rump,) have been wreaking havoc on our planet for years. It's a proven fact that flatulence is a significant source of greenhouse gases and this problem is being accelerated by the rise of the fat people. Everyone knows that you don't want to be around a fat person when he lets one go. Obesity and flatulence are slowly destroying our environment, but unlike obesity, flatulence is a natural occurrence and part of the digestion process. Nevertheless, it is now illegal to fart in public in America.

Police in Virginia have arrested a man and charged him with battery for farting in their direction. According to police reports, the perpetrator scooted his chair towards the officer, lifted his leg and passed gas loudly. The report also indicates that he fanned the gas towards the officer. The police report goes on to say that the man may face additional charges of aggravated assault using a deadly weapon (in this case, poisonous gas) and conspiracy to commit murder using weapons of mass destruction.

Harry Nads Headquarters attempted to contact the arresting officers but we were told they were still recuperating from the attack and were unable to comment at this time. However, we were able to speak with Captain Brian Derierre, a 20 year veteran who works in the police station in Clarksburg West Virginia that's handling this case.

When asked to explain why this perpetrator was arrested, Captain Derierre said, "Look, this wasn't a typical fart that came out by accident. This man used his gas as a weapon. There clearly was intent to harm or kill as he purposely aimed and fired the gas at an officer." Captain Derierre was convinced that the gas was poisonous because his officers were rendered temporarily incapacitated, which opened up a window of opportunity for the perpetrator to escape. He went on to explain that if the perpetrator was not intoxicated he might still be on the loose, releasing poisonous gas to the public.

We were still unclear about why they were charging this man with conspiracy to commit murder using weapons of mass destruction and pressed Captain Derierre to clarify this charge. Captain Derriere avoided the question at first but then angrily said, "What do you need, a smoking gun? I don't know how you guys do things in Canada, but here in America we take these threats seriously. What we have here is a man who used deadly gas to incapacitate highly trained officers. Scientific research shows that farts, when released in large quantities, can cause a devastating effect on the environment. Now, we realize this is only one man but we have reason to believe he planned this whole event and ate beans a few hours before the incident took place. This is not only premeditation but also a calculated attempt to harm or kill a large group of people. What's the difference between 1000 normal farts and 5-10 potent farts?"

It appears that America's war on terrorism is rapidly broadening. If you're American, you might want to think twice before opening that can of beans.